Do Not Kill Yourself

2006-06-16T22:09:00.000-07:00

Do not kill yourself for any reason.

You may be thinking to yourself, " I am going to kill myself," or "I am going to commit suicide." I would not recommend it. I was having a shitty day today, I was really bored, sitting at home, my partner was ignoring me, and I started getting depressed (it happens a lot to me). I typed "I am going to commit suicide" into google, and the results that came up were extremely disappointing. Every listing was some crap about God, or making the "right choice," there was a Jesus guy who apparently is also a cop somewhere, and a bunch of random interspersed message board threads. Extremely depressing. How many people a day are typing I am going to commit suicide into a search engine as a last resort, and this podunk religious crap comes up. Who is this helping? Christians maybe, but what about the rest of us? Are there people who don't believe in god who are thinking about (or pretty determined) killing themselves? You bet there are.

I was hoping that typing I am going to kill myself into google might bring up something that would make me feel better, since I didn't really feel like bringing the subject up with my partner, as it would depress her and make a bad situation worse. In truth, I am not thinking about killing myself. I have been in about the worst possible emotional anguish that anyone could ever experience. I know that is a strong statement, and that people in the Holocaust had it pretty bad, there are people being tortured by the US government right now in prisons on the other side of the globe, and they have it pretty bad too. The witches who were burned at the stake in Salem back in the day, the victims of slavery, and on, and on, and on...

Many people throughout human history have experienced the bowels of misery in their life, and I can honestly say that I have been at least in the same ballpark of suffering that some of these people have been. I am not going to go into a long hierarchy of pain diatribe, I am sure there are people who have had it worse...but not much worse. Whatever, its not a competition. Anyway, the point is, I am still alive. I decided that I am not capable of killing myself. In fact I didn't decide, it's more like I realized. I realized that, be it a character weakness, flaw, cowardice (probably that one), whatever it was, at that point in my life I was at an emotional place where if I was capable of suicide, I would have done it.

It's not that I am afraid of blood, or that I don't want to go through pain (remember the part about being in a really bad emotional place?), its just that I am not capable of killing myself, on an existential level. I don't quite understand (although its probably just cowardice), but that is not ultimately the point. The point is that finding out that I was not capable of killing myself locked me in to this existence on earth. After reaching the point of suicide, then realizing that I could not--no matter how much pain I was in--kill myself, I realized that I had no choice but to survive. This may not be the case for you, the reader, but there is valuable wisdom that I gleaned from coming to this (kinda fucked up) realization.

I am not going to pitch the false hope, or bullshit promises to you. You may be a hardcore badass, who is not afraid of killing yourself, and ready to blow your brains out. If this is the case, you are more hardcore that me. But (there is always a but with this kind of thing) what I can tell you from my experience is that no matter how bad your emotional life gets, and how shitty you feel, there is always the possibility of feeling better. Think about it. When I was depressed, I kept feeling like every day was worse than the day before. If I was capable of making myself feel steadily shittier every day, a feat that should be commended for sheer willpower, why shouldn't the reverse be true?

OK, thats possibly too easy a solution, but if it works, go for it! If it does not work try this:

A PUPPY!!

OK, if you didn't get at least a little boost from that, off yourself right now. No don't. Jesus, have you not been listening to me! Go back to the first line and start over again. The puppy will work the second time. If the puppy did work, go to flikr or some other website where you can search for images, and look for puppies until it loses its effect. There, you are a little bit happier. Easy.

Now, you may be thinking that this is total crap, and that life has no meaning so why is it worth living? My answer to that is: Who cares? I think our culture is entirely too hung up on "life meaning something." The television (and Internet) are brainwashing us daily to thing that everybody has to amount to something in this one particular way, as if someone who drives a trash truck, gets drunk and has anonymous sex with people of all genders and races, and googles pictures of puppies has not worked out her own particular version of Nirvana. Why can't that be something to aspire to?!?

People get so caught up in what they should be doing, that they don't think about other possibilities of what they could be doing. There are a million different ways to be, sometimes being normal, being sane, or being cool limit people from being fully self actualized, and living the type of life that they want to live. If you are to the point of considering suicide, now would be a good time to take a creative risk! Come out of the closet or ditch high school, join the circus (better yet, start a circus), squat in an abandoned house with three other people you barely know, become a banker, get 14 cats and move in with your aunt Jessica! Fuck it, what have you got to lose!

Lets not get caught up in the existential crisis about whether life is worth living. You were born, that pretty much took away your power of deciding whether its worth it or not. Now the only decision is if its worth continuing, and that somehow seems less of a big deal. I am just one stupid ass person, who knows probably less than most people, but I have come to the realization that there are a million ways to live, and that creating a satisfying life is possible, even if it consists of eating chocolate and laying in the grass and staring at clouds. There are a million different things to make someone feel crappy and be all gloomy. Its almost boring at this point. I want to see more people who get to rock bottom and decide that instead of "doing the world a favor" and killing themselves, they decide that the world owes them a favor, and imposes their will to take the favor back. If the world sucks so much and has made your life so miserable, the world probably owes you pretty bad.

Its time to be that pushy friend who calls you up to get that ten dollars back that you lent him five years ago. Listen to loud music that makes you feel something, have sex with ugly people (they could use it too), be shameless in your hedonism and pursuit of pleasure, happiness and elation.

Its hard to end this sort of letter without trying to put something grand and climactic, but I just don't have that kind of wisdom. What I have learned is that life can always be salvaged. Humans have a really amazing power of resilience, and even the darkest pit of despair can be slogged through. I am living my life, and it is OK. I am not on top of the world, but I laugh, eat food, play with dogs, stare at clouds, go for long walks, and read books. Try to just be.

Yeah, well... I guess thats it. I sincerely hope you feel better. Try watching Harold and Maude. That is a good movie.

Um, yeah, so...OK. Are you going to be OK? Please?

Yes?

OK. Good.

Don't worry, this isn't where I tell you to accept Jesus christ as your lord and savior (unless you want me to). Try joining the Hare Krishna's instead, they are weird fuckers.

dontdoit

Do Not Kill Yourself